Totally Hawt Potter Love
by GhostOfBambi
Summary: Parody fic: Lily is a tortured soul, hiding behind a mask of ANGST! James is the Hogwarts school player. Sirius is giddy, Peter's not there, and Remus likes to read! Find out more in this thrilling tale! Again, it's a PARODY! Rated for language.
1. Teh Wangst

**Author's note**** and disclaimer: This is a parody. If anyone dares to think that I would ever write this tosh and call it serious fiction, they're barking. Please do enjoy, and be kind enough to review at the end because I really adore getting reviews. I've included some subtle references to English serial killers, Adrian Mole and The Sims 2, see if you can spot them. Any bad grammar and spelling is deliberate. Ta ta!**

**The names of these characters belong to J.K Rowling, but the characters themselves do not. As if Rowling would ever write somebody as stupid as the pitiful cast of character I've written here.**

**Chapter one - Teh Wangst**

Once upon a time, there was a young witch named Lily Evans who was a seventh year Gryffindor student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily was a feisty, intelligent, caring, witty and sensible girl who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair was the colour of blood, her eyes were like giant emerald orbs, her skin was as white as the purest snow and she had a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Jessica Alba's but better. She got outstanding marks in every single exam or assignment and had many amazing talents.

You might think that life for Lily Evans was just peachy, but alas, she had _Aboosive_! Parents, and was actually in the depths of deep, deep, deepest despair. Her mother was a prostitute/Avon lady named Rosemary who believed she was Princess Diana and her father was a drunkard named Fred who beat her every day with helium filled balloons. Lily also had a sister named Petunia who was treated like a queen by their parents and threw Lily's much loved Sesame Street lunchbox under a bus one day. It was a depressing family situation, to be sure.

As with most girls in pickles like this, Lily thought that the best way to deal with her pain and emotional scarring was to wear a straggly, mousy brown wig, large spectacles and brown contacts lenses, and to stuff cushions up her clothing in order to hide her beauty. In Lily's mind, it was her beauty that was the cause of all her heartache, not her parents' drug and alcohol problems or her sister's jealousy of Lily's magical powers. She also threw herself into her studies and had no friends ever, even when she moved to Hogwarts from the Salem witches school in New York City and miraculously procured a British accent out of nowhere (Yes, she was just _that_ smart).

So one morning, Lily was shuffling down the hallways and crying to herself because she'd cut her arms open fifty times earlier and nobody had noticed, when she saw the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular boys in school, the Marauders. The Marauders comprised of three seventh year Gryffindors, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter. There used to be another Marauder named Peter Pettigrew, but he vanished one day and nobody bothered to look for him. The end.

Remus Lupin owned the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular books in school. He read all day long, often bumping into walls, other students and toilet cisterns. In fact, he only ever stopped reading to eat chocolate. Everything else he did, which included making comments that weren't intelligent but were assumed to be because he included a lot of long words in them, was done whilst reading. He was super smart and did really well in school. But! Remus was a werewolf (gasp). This made him freakishly strong, slightly evil when full moon was coming up and horny all the time.

Sirius Black was one of those giddy, irritating and freakishly happy guys that most girls cannot stand, but that didn't stop him from bedding every girl (apart from the ugly ones like Lily, of course) in school, including McGonagall. Sirius was extra sexy, you see, even though he constantly acted like a hyperactive two year old. He liked sugary foods, shaking his sexy hair a lot, and having sex with Remus, his OTL. He had the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular everything on earth.

James Potter was Lily's secret love, and had the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular Quidditch toned muscles in the history of the world. He was the only person on earth who was allowed to wear glasses in this fic and still be teh sex and he liked to sleep with lots of girls. However, he was a real sensitive guy inside who was just looking for that special someone. His special someone would be a feisty, intelligent, caring, witty and sensible girl who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair would the colour of blood, her eyes would be like giant emerald orbs, her skin would be as white as the purest snow and she would have to have a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Jessica Alba's but better. So far, he'd never met a girl like that.

Anyhoo, the Marauders were walking down the corridor and James bumped into Lily. Nobody ever saw her for some reason; even though she was a real, solid human being and the multitude of cushions she carried around made her look quite large.

"Watch it, girl I've never seen in my life even though I've been here for over six years!" shouted James, pushing her away. Lily cried softly, because her disguise stripped her of all confidence and she was dying inside. The Marauders walked off and down the corridor, laughing.

"I want to shag someone," said James.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooh, pretty window. Woohoo! Here comes the airplane!" Sirius shouted, his voice somewhat obscured by the six lollipops he had in his mouth. "I mean, ahem, are you Sirius?"

"No, you are!"

Sirius roared laughing.

"Haha! Sirius, you and I, we're so witty!" James replied. "Yes, I want to shag someone. Hang on, what's an airplane?"

"Commonwealth. The inarticulate behavioural patterns of hypochondriacs the world over. Consequential," said Remus, not looking up from his book. James and Sirius were bowled over by his brilliance. Recovering himself, Sirius tipped an entire pound of sugar into his mouth and looked at James, his BFF.

"Who do you want to shag? Ooh hoo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" asked Sirius.

"Dunno, someone random?"

"Why do you want to fornicate with a random person when you could be studying, pranking the school, sneaking down to the kitchens or reading about economical budgerigar pottery wheel emotives?" said Remus, turning a page. James shrugged. Sirius suddenly jumped about ten feet into the air and turned to him.

"How about a bet? Hehehehehehehehehehehe! If you can find an ugly, disgusting girl and convince her to get a makeover, become popular and have sex, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SAID SEX, with you in a day, I'll give you a thousand Galleons because I have that kind of money lying around."

"Huzzah! I'll take that bet. What girl should I pick?"

"Statistical analysis and proportional representation," said Remus.

"You're right, Remus, this idea is cruel and horrible, but I'll do it anyway," said James. "Hey, I'll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!" He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out.

**Ooh****! A cliffy! How will it end!? Will James shag Lily? Will Lily finally show her beauty? Will we ever understand what Remus is talking about? Will Sirius freak out when he runs out of sugar? Will Peter ever turn up again, and does anyone really care? Find out in the next thrilling installment!**


	2. Teh Sex!

**A****uthor's note and disclaimer. This is a parody, I repeat, a parody. And any name you recognize belongs to Rowling.**

_**In the last chapter…**__ "You're right, Remus, this idea is cruel and horrible, but I'll do it anyway," said James. "Hey, I'll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!" He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out._

**Chapter two – Teh Sex!**

James went to the library, where he found the ugly, boring fat chick from earlier. He ruffled up his sexy, jet-black hair and sat down beside her.

"Hello, unimportant and unsightly girl. How would you like to be beautiful and popular?"

Lily didn't look up from her homework. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. James Potter was deigning to talk to her!

James Potter was her ideal man. Not only was he gorgeous and sexy, he was arrogant, disgusting, stupid and shallow, and he acted like a complete whore. There wasn't even anything about him that hinted at there being a good, decent person under all of his faults. He was definitely her OTL! She would be mad to turn down the chance to be someone who James Potter considered beautiful and popular.

But also, the pain of her childhood prevented her from ever wanting to be happy at all because that makes perfect sense. She faltered.

"Answer me, repulsive girl! I promise that if you transform yourself into a skank, I'll have painful, meaningless, awkward teenage sex with you."

"I, I, I don't know," Lily whispered.

"Oh, go on. It's a minute out of your life."

"But, but I…"

"C'mon, baby, let's see what's behind those specs." He made to take her glasses off but Lily squeaked and ran away, her stomach flipping at the thought of having sex with her OTL and her heart beating with fear. She wanted nothing more than to surrender herself to the burning fire of her passion for James, but if she did, he would see through her disguise and that would surely signal the end of mankind as we know it.

She reached the Prefects bathroom and decided to have a shower because the many emotions inside her made her feel dirty. She went inside and removed her wig, glasses, contacts and clothes. The scars from her earlier self-harming had vanished miraculously. She stood in the one spot, shaking out her long, crimson, cascading and sexy hair and looking every inch the goddess she was.

At that very moment, James went into the Prefects bathroom with his invisibility cloak on because that made perfect sense to him. He saw Lily and gasped. He was in love! He had to have her right now! Never mind that he'd never seen her before and she could have lots of STDs, when one is in love, these things cease to matter!

Pulling his cloak off, he strode towards her and grabbed her wrist.

"What is your name, you beautiful thing?"

"L-L-Lily," she stammered.

"I love you, Lily."

"I love you too!" Lily cried. All of a sudden, her previous pain was gone and she was ready to be the Lily she always was underneath. Also, she decided to be a slut too. She and James had perfect sex multiple times and were both super adept at it.

Afterwards, James had to run off and get ready for the ball that was being held later that night because there was a Triwizard tournament going on (James was the Hogwarts champion) and thus, a Yule Ball was being held, even though it was only September 27th. (Dumbledore had written the wrong date on his calendar, the old rascal!) Before he did, he gave Lily his cell phone number and msn address and she typed it into her Blackberry. Then he left. Lily put her disguise back on and got ready for the Yule Ball too, right there in the bathroom. It was a masked ball, but she figured that she was already wearing a MASK OF ANGST!(™), so she didn't bother with a proper one.

…

At the ball, Lily was sitting sadly by a table when a guy wearing a stag mask came over. It was James, still wanting to carry out his bet, but she didn't know that because she had no brain.

"You are beautiful, I love you," he said. Lily was shocked! Nobody had ever found her disguise beautiful before, and she instantly fell in love with this masked stranger. But she also loved James, so she was confused. Shaking it off, she decided to dance with this boy. They danced together for ages, until he brought her outside to the starlit grounds. They made out and it was super hot. Then he took off his mask and revealed his perfect, Quidditch-toned face.

"I promise, you revolting specimen of womanhood, that if you get a makeover I'll love you forever and take your virginity right now."

"YOU!!" Lily cried. "James!? You, but…JAMES??! I didn't know it was you! How could you do this to me!?" She slapped him. Hard. In the face! "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

"Pardon?" said James. Lily waved her wand and her disguise fell away. Instead of the vast, purple, gold and lime green dress she had been wearing, she was now clad in a gown of emerald silk. Her red hair flowed like a waterfall and her emerald orbs glowed like freshly polished silver, except they were emerald and not silver.

"I thought you said you loved me earlier, but you were about to have sex with another girl!"

"Well you said you loved me, but you were just making out with another bloke!"

"You cheating slimeball!" Lily screamed.

"You adulterous bitch!" James shouted.

"Jerk!"

"Whore!"

They then fell into each others arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students. Lily pulled away and slapped him again. Hard. In the face!

"What was that for?!" James shouted.

"I don't know!' Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling up her eyes as she did so.

**OMG, another ****cliffy! Did anyone see that coming? How will it end? Will James bruise from all the hard slaps? In the face? Will Lily ever get over her childhood of pain? Has Sirius run out of sugar? Can you handle the suspense?!**


	3. Teh H0ttness!

**Disclaimer and Author's note: Any name you recognize belongs to J.K Rowling. Just in case you missed the last two author's notes, this is a god damned parody. If somebody reviews and tells me that I'm a terrible, clichéd author, I'll scream with the injustice of it all.**

_**In the last chapter…**__ They then fell into each others arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students. Lily pulled away and slapped him hard._

"_What was that for?" James shouted._

"_I don't know!' Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling her eyes as she did so._

**Chapter three – Teh H0ttness!**

Lily kept running and running until she reached Gryffindor tower. She burst straight through the Fat Lady's portrait without even bothering to give her the password and raced up to her dormitory, where she collapsed on her bed, weeping. She cried for what seemed like an age before she heard the door open. She looked up, thankful that her eyes never went puffy and her makeup never ran or got messy whenever she cried.

"Who are you?" said the girl who entered the dorm. It was Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness and her friend Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins, two of Lily's Gryffindor classmates. Like with every other student, Lily had never spoken to either of them, but Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness and Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins had teased her many, many times.

"It's Lily Evans!" Lily cried out, choking on her saliva as she spoke. "This is what I really look like, I've been hiding my true looks for all these years, and now my heart has been torn out of my perfect, C-cup chest because I showed James Potter the true me!"

"Shit Lily, you're totally hot!" said Selina Teardrop Ursula Pixie Iris Destiny Bananarama Isabella Tinkerbell Crystal Highness (or STUPIDBITCH, for short). "Do you like, wanna be bestest best friends forever?"

"Like, totally what she said," agreed Gracie Orla Starlight Helena Amy Glitterypoo Yasmine Olivia Uma Rosalind Superwoman Emmaline Lucia Falling Snow Lubricant Urethra Tompkins (or GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, for short).

"Yes!" cried Lily, rushing over to embrace her new best friends. And with that, all of her past pain melted away and it never bothered her again. She no longer cared about her parents or sister and no longer wanted to hurt herself or find a way to bring her family together. She decided to continue being her stunning self and was filled with newfound confidence and complete contentment.

"Oh, ok, so cool." What d'ya wanna do, Lils? Go back down to the ball?" said STUPIDBITCH

"Yeah! That would be totally awesome!"

Lily and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT and STUPIDBITCH linked arms and skipped down to the Great Hall, and there were no three closer friends anywhere.

_**Meanwhile, In the Great Hall…**_

"Hey, guys!" James jogged over to a table where Sirius and Remus were sitting. Remus was reading a Potions book and Sirius was hopping in his seat and winking at twenty-six girls simultaneously. "Remember that ugly girl we bet on earlier?"

"Yes I do!" shouted Sirius in an unnaturally loud voice.

"Portentous," said Remus.

"Well, we shagged."

"No way!" Sirius cried, jumping out of his seat. "Poo, bums, clover, they're all such funny words! You didn't have sex with her, no way!"

"I did, but it was in the Prefects bathroom and she wasn't ugly any more. Turns out she's really hot, dude."

"Man, that is some trip," said Sirius. "Pity I don't believe you."

"Double damn!" James shouted, slamming his fist on the table. "For some reason, I know her life story and the reasons behind her disgusting disguise. There's no way on earth that she'd take it off now and prove me right, not unless she suddenly happened to befriend two girls who had previously bullied her, but I mean, what are the odds of that?"

At that very moment, Lily and her new best friends entered the Great Hall, arm in arm. Lily was looking amazing, with her hair curled to perfection. She was wearing a two and a half inch long skirt, knee high leather boots, a sparkly pink bikini top and gothic looking arm warmers. It was total h0ttness, straight from the land of h0tt.

"Holy mother of all things that I wank over, she just proved me right! Lily! Over here!" James waved his arms around and caught Lily's attention. She and her new friends sashayed over, the eyes of every single person in the Great Hall on Lily and Lily alone. It took her a while to pick all the eyes off and flick them away once she reached James, but she managed to do it quite sexily.

"Lily, baby, you gotta take me back," said James.

"Hell no!" cried Lily, waving her index finger in his face. "I won't let no damn honky get all in my face an' tell me he aint a player, mmm hmm."

"Word!" said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, shaking her h0tt h0tt booty.

"Damn, STUPIDBITCH," said Sirius. "You fine! We should get together when these two do."

"As is appropriate in shit stories like this," agreed STUPIDBITCH, smiling seductively.

"Why you gotta be like that, baby? You know that shit don't go down like that!" James replied to Lily, nodding his head crazily.

"Whatever, bitch. I'll catch y'all later." Lily walked off, swinging her arse provocatively.

"No, Lily! Come back, I love you!" James shouted, but to no avail.

"C'est un détraqué mental!" Sirius called after her.

"Sirius, I didn't know you spoke French!" said James, very impressed. Sirius grinned.

"Oui, I do in most bad fics. Now, Moony," he turned to Remus and wriggled his eyebrows. "Est-ce que c'est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir?"

Remus blushed, but still remained reading his book. "Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá!"

"Not you too!"

Remus shrugged. "Well, I am the smart one." He giggled and blushed as Sirius grabbed his hand, leaving the other free to hold his book up to his face. "Sorry, James, we have to leave."

"You can't leave! I'll be alone, and that's not cool!"

"Hang around with Peter," Sirius offered helpfully. "I know that at the start of this fic it was made perfectly clear that he'd vanished, but he's reappeared handily right over there!"

"I don't want anything to do with that boring freak," James protested. "And I never will."

"Hey James," said Peter, walking by him. And at that very moment, James suddenly knew in his heart that Peter was a true friend who he could trust with his life and the lives of his future wife and children for now and ever more, but he still didn't fancy spending any time with him. I mean, Peter is a total loser! James glared at Sirius and Remus as they walked off.

"Va bouffer ta merde!" he cried. "Wow, I can speak it too! Merci! S'il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux?"

_**Meanwhile, outside the Great Hall…**_

Remus immediately grabbed Sirius and pulled him into the conveniently located Astronomy Tower, where they started to have sex.

Sirius (who was, in this instance, the receiver) got quite into it, but the rustling of pages from behind his back after a few minutes made him feel self-conscious.

"Moony, are you still reading?" he asked.

"Here, have some chocolate!" said Remus, quickly thrusting a bar of chocolate under Sirius's nose."

"_Ooh_! _Chocolate_!" said Sirius. He grabbed greedily at it, and Remus continued his sex and reading uninterrupted.

When they were finished, and Sirius had taken off the bondage gear, they started talking about Lily and James.

"You know, we should really, hehehehehehehehe, lock those two in a room together. They are meant to be as one, and we should help them. Can you diggit?"

"Quadriplegic testimony," said Remus.

"Does that mean yes?"

Remus nodded.

_**Meanwhile, on the third floor corridor…**_

James paced down the third floor corridor, cursing under his breath. He missed Lily, and her amazingly flexible body with curves in all the right places. He wondered if there was anything he could do to get her back, like maybe writing her some poetry, singing the words of a Maroon 5 or Jesse McCartney song to her on the balcony that appeared outside her dorm room window whenever it was convenient for James, or giving her a single lily as a gift. They were all original and sweet ideas, but none of them quite fit. He wasn't even sure if Maroon 5 or Jesse McCartney existed in this decade.

"You!"

James whipped around and saw to his delight that Lily was behind him, garbed in a gorgeous white gown that was lyk, totally virginal. She looked like an angel. Who he wanted to fuck. Hard. In the face!

"Lily!"

"Go away!" she shouted, red in the face from wanton lust anger. She made to push past him, but at that precise moment Sirius and Remus jumped out of nowhere and shoved them both through a door that just handily appeared (much like the balcony). It was the Room of Requirement, and Siri and Remy had managed to find a way to open it without walking past it three times (Here's a hint, it involved Dumbledore, because he always seems to know that Lily and James are meant to be!). Sadly, as they both fell through the door, an unexplainable piece of magic happened to happen and for no reason at all they suddenly happened to end up in each others bodies.

The door clicked shut behind them, and James realized that a) they were locked in and b) he was in Lily's body, so now he was the one with a figure like Jessica Alba's, but better.

"We're not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!" came Sirius's muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like 'stalactite' in agreement, and then they left without making a sound at all. How James knew they left was unimportant, but he knew they had nonetheless.

**And yet another cliffy! Will James and Lily ever get out? How will they cope in each others bodies? What exactly was Remus reading when he was shagging Sirius? Will STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT get it on like the lesbian whores they are, or will they fornicate instead with Remus and Sirius? Where was Peter going in the Great Hall? Stay tuned to find out!**

**Some Translations:**

C'est un détraqué mental! – He's a crazy stalker!

Est-ce que c'est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir? – Is that a baguette in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá! – Golly, what a big tent you have!

Va bouffer ta merde! – Eat shit!

Merci! S'il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux? – Thank you! Please! Where is the window? Where can we buy a gimp mask?


	4. Teh Switch!

**Disclaimer and Author's note: All names that you recognize belong to J.K Rowling. Their personalities, however, belong to all of those lovely Planks out there who can't write for shit. I don't think I need to state that this is a parody any longer, so sit back, relax, undo your top buttons, stick you hands in your pants (if you're ****parody'd or even canon James) and enjoy!**

_**I**__**n the last chapter… **__The door clicked shut behind them, and James realized that a) they were locked in and b) he was in Lily's body, so now he was the one with a figure like Jessica Alba's, but better._

"_We're not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!" came Sirius's muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like 'stalactite' in agreement, and then they left without making a sound at all. How James knew they left was unimportant, but he knew they had nonetheless._

**Chapter four –****Teh Switch!**

James stood up and banged on the wall/door.

"Let us out, you bastards!" he shouted, but was immediately stung by a blow from Lily, (Hard. In the face!) who, if you remember correctly, was in James's body. Therefore, the force of the blow nearly knocked James unconscious, as, if you remember even more correctly, he had the best Quidditch-toned muscles and face in the history of all histories, magical and otherwise. That made him considerably strong.

"I don't use bad language, you fucking wanker!" Lily screamed (James winced, screaming was so unmanly). "Ever. At all. I never have. And woe betide you if you dare let it fall from my lips!"

_**A quick r**__**ecap from earlier in the evening…**_

"_I don't use bad language, you fucking wanker!"_

_**Back to real time…**_

"I'm sorry, but I was very frustrated and I needed an outlet for my anger that served to both make me feel better and harm nobody," James stuck his/her tongue out at Lily, inwardly thanking his lucky stars that he never missed an episode of _Dr. Phil_. "I want you to get excited about your life!"

"What?"

"I mean, eh, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know!" Lily was beginning to panic. Hard. In the face! "I mean, we obviously can't tell anyone that we've switched."

"There's no way we can tell our friends!" James agreed. "They might make some helpful suggestions or even know a way to reverse our body switch."

"And why would we want that?!" Lily agreed.

"And we can't go to a teacher; they'd all definitely know how to solve the problem."

"Too risky," said Lily, shaking James's head. "Our best bet is to wait until we've either fallen madly in love and made out, even though it's really weird to kiss yourself-"

"You've never seen me at the mirror," James mumbled.

"Or," Lily continued. "Come to have a mutual respect for each other, which will inevitably lead to us being in love anyway."

"I thought we were already in love?"

"We were, until we made out with each other at the Yule Ball. That was a huge violation of trust."

"Oh yeah," James scratched Lily's head. "This is all really confusing. How are we doing?" He looked over at canon!Lily and James for guidance, but they had snuck out to have canon sex in their canon house while their canon friends didn't partake in homosexual lovemaking, explode with hyperactivity or disappear for no reason. In fact, the canon friends of canon!Lily and James were trying to figure out the best way to fire non!canon Lily, James, Remus, Sirius and Peter out of an actual canon. Hard. In the face!

"I guess we're on our own, then," said Lily.

"Wait, wait," said James. "The Yule Ball! The Triwizard Tournament! How are you going to compete as me?"

"Never mind that!" cried Lily. "I think I'm due my period!"

"Double, triple damn! Don't periods give you STDs?" said James.

"OMG, DO THEY?!" Lily shrieked, freaked out.

"I suppose we'll have to contend with all the usual problems, then?" said James, trying to cheer her up. "Menstruation, going to the bathroom, hanging out with our friends, convincing everyone that we're each other…"

"Not to mention the fact that the Beaubaxtons Champion is a boy this year and he is most definitely going to ask me out as soon as we get out of here, so you'll have to go on the date for me and it will be really awkward."

"And not to mention the Quidditch you'll have to play."

"But isn't Quidditch cancelled during the Triwizard Tournament?"

"But this is a Plank fic, love. I never actually compete in the tournament. It exists purely for the Yule Ball, and for the aforementioned hot Beaubaxtons bloke who'll ask you out. So Quidditch is definitely on the agenda."

"No!" Lily protested. "I'm conveniently terrified of heights! Heights give you STDs!"

"It's ok, I'll teach you how to fly and we'll have our first romantic moment on my broom."

"Does it have to be on your broom?"

"It's either that or while we're dancing in the rain, and I don't know if you've heard or not, but rain gives you STDs," said James. "Now how are we going to get out of this room?"

"Well, considering that there's a key to the door over there, there are seventeen windows and five ladders right here, and we both have our wands, I would think that the solution is obvious."

"We're going to have to kiss, aren't we?"

"That's affirmative."

They kissed softly (because everyone knows that ladders and keys and windows give you STDs). Even though they were essentially kissing themselves, it was kinda hot. James figured that it was because he himself was so damn fine, and Lily was just pleased that she got to kiss someone who actually used Chap Stick. Immediately after they kissed, the door sprang open and they were freed.

"So what do we do now?" said Lily.

"Well. We should go to our dorms and get cleaned up." He paused. "Can I have a shower as you, or is that not cool?"

"Of course you _ca_n have a shower as me," Lily began slowly. "If I say that you cannot, that would imply that you are physically unable, which is not true. However, you may not have a shower as me."

"Have you been listening to those Grammar Girl podcasts again?" questioned James, trying to send out a subtle hint to Planks everywhere.

"Actually no, I read that in a Babysitter's Club book."

"Ohmegee!" James squeaked. "Stacey McGill was like, soooo my favourite! Battling bravely through her diabetes and still managing to be so stylish!" he wiped a tear from his eye. "What a girl she was."

"Oh I agree, but Claudia will always be my favourite," Lily sighed. "She was so awesome, hiding her Nancy Drew books everywhere and doing all that arty stuff. I always wanted to be like her."

"I prefer Kristy to Claudia, even though I always pronounce her name without the 'r'. She always has such good ideas!"

"Kristy's Krushers rule!" said Lily, pumping a fist into the air. Hard. In the face!

"For example," James said slyly. "Kristy would have thought that showering was a good idea."

"Exactly!" Lily cried. James grinned. He had managed to outsmart her. It wasn't hard.

"Right," he said. "I'll go shower. And because this is a fic, we won't look at each others bodies at all."

"That's a given," said Lily. "I'll meet you back here in twenty. And don't talk to STUPIDBITCH or GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT! They'll figure out that I'm you in a second. They've been my best friends for practically the whole evening, so they know me inside out."

They parted ways.

_**Meanwhile, in the girl**__**'s dorm…**_

STUPIDBITCH was worried.

Her new best friend Lily Evans had been gone for a whole half hour and nobody knew where she was. She seemed to have disappeared from the earth, which was most inconvenient as STUPIDBITCH needed to borrow a condom from her in order to partake in hot, sweaty lovemaking with Sirius Black. After searching the entire school, STUPIDBITCH retired to the dorm where she began to panic slightly. STUPIDBITCH and Lily had a best friend connection that ran so deep that STUPIDBITCH could trace her smell, much like a sniffer dog. Lily's scent had stopped somewhere on the third floor corridor and STUPIDBITCH had discovered nothing further.

The door to the dorm opened and STUPIDBITCH jumped hopefully up from behind Lily's bed, where she was still searching for Lily.

"Agh!" cried GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who was, in case you're stupid, the person who entered the dorm. "You scared me! What are you doing behind Lily's bed?"

"I was seeing if I could pick up any trails from Lily's underwear. You know, using my amazing sense of smell."

"Must you always brag about that?" GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT replied. "It's not like that's anything special, unlike my powers. "I can roll my tongue."

"I can touch my nose with my tongue," STUPIDBITCH reminded her.

"I have long, shocking purple hair that's actually my natural colour, and eyes that are a dark, inky blue, like shiny sapphires," said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT.

"I have equally long, golden blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes like bruised stars," STUPIDBITCH spat back.

"I have a 12 inch waist!"

"That's because you wear a corset," spat STUPIDBITCH. "My waist is that small all by itself!"

"I have bulimia!"

"I have anorexia!"

"I'm having sex with Remus Lupin tonight!"

"I'm having sex with Sirius Black tonight!"

"I'm Dumbledore's favourite student!"

"I'm Dumbledore's daughter and sister!"

"I can fly without a broomstick-"

"I can move things with my mind," put in STUPIDBITCH.

"I have psychic powers, and the dead communicate with me."

"I can tell the future!"

"Well I can heal people by touching them."

"I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once!"

"I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once for BOTH TEAMS!"

"I can bring the dead back to life by peeing on them!" STUPIDBITCH cried.

"I can KILL people by peeing on them!" GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT roared.

"Yeah?" said STUPIDBITCH, ready to deal her the killer blow. "Well I have a 10 discount at Abercrombie!"

GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT's shoulders slumped. STUPIDBITCH always used that to win their arguments. It was something with which she just could not compete. "You're right, you are much better than me."

"It's ok," said STUPIDBITCH, patting her shoulder sweetly. "You know you can't compete with a blonde chick, unless you happen to be into reading EMO!Lily fics. We're still BFFs and all that."

GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT beamed. Hard. In the face! "You're such a great friend, STUPIDBITCH, almost as great as Lily."

"Oh, heavens! Nobody is better than Lily. She's perfection in itself. Curse those emerald orbs!"

"Aye, those orbs haunt my dreams," GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT sighed, putting on a Scottish accent for unknown reasons.

"Speaking of Lily, have you seen her?"

"No, why?"

"I need to borrow a condom from her so I can bonk Siripoo."

There was a deadly silence, broken by GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT's burst of laughter.

"You silly girl!" she cried. "Don't use one! A condom, honestly! Didn't you know that they give you STDs?!"

"Oh yeah!" STUPIDBITCH slapped her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? I'm such a stupid bitch."

"You are not a stupid bitch, STUPIDBITCH, and I'll kill anyone who says you are!"

"Oh, GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, you truly are a friend indeed." STUPIDBITCH grabbed her friend's arm and they frolicked their way back down to the ball.

And thus, STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT were happy again. No one cared.

_**Meanwhile, i**__**n a bathroom somewhere...**_

James took all of Lily's clothes off immediately upon reaching the bathroom, felt every part that he could and stared at his reflection for an hour. He almost wished that he had his penis back so that he could wank like crazy, but alas, he didn't. He was sure that Lily was enjoying it, though.

_**Meanwhile, in another bathroom somewhere…**_

As much as she loved dick, James's dick in particular, Lily cried because she hated having a penis. I guess that's women for you!

_**Meanwhile, back in that first bathroom…**_

Eventually, James finished showering and perving over his now curvy and Jessica Alba-ish (but better) body. After everything was nice and dry, he decided to go to Lily's dorm and have a look around. He went into the dorm and made his way to Lily's underwear drawer. Upon opening it, he found a Nancy Drew book under a pair of socks.

"That's odd," he said, but then remembered that Lily had once aspired to be Claudia Kishi from The Babysitters Club and shrugged it off. It was, he realized, a lot easier to listen to and remember what Lily said to him when he was unable to stare at her breasts as she talked. He decided to have a look in Lily's school bag and see if she had scribbled his name on any of her books. However, he soon realized that all of Lily's textbooks were, in fact, Nancy Drew books with different covers stuck on. Perturbed, he lay down on the bed but jumped back up when his head hit something rather solid. He looked at the object; it was an oddly lumpy pillow. He shook out the pillowcase and six more Nancy Drew books tumbled out onto the floor.

It was only then that James realized that the entire bed was made from Nancy Drew books. Even the bed sheets were made from pages sewn tightly together.

He let out a huge scream. Because everyone knows that Nancy Drew books give you STDs!

_**Meanwhile, back in the boy's dorm…**_

Eventually, Lily managed to dry her tears and went into the boy's dorms to have a look around. Before she could have a look around, there was a knock on the door, a knock that handily provides the author with an excuse not to write any descriptive passages. Hurrah!

Lily walked over to the door and opened it slowly, so as to set a nice, suspense filled mood. She gasped at what she saw.

The most beautiful girl Lily had ever seen was standing on the threshold. She had long, soft, silky, scrumptious, sexy, and stunning blue black hair that was both curly and straight at the same time. Her eyes were huge, and made from actual moonstones. Her figure was like Jessica Simpson's was when she lost all that weight for that really bad movie, _The Dukes of Hazzard _(_The Dukes of Hazzard_ gives you STDs!), and her smile lit up the room. Literally, she was holding a torch between her teeth. All in all, her exquisite beauty was overwhelming, equal to Lily's exquisite beauty, even.

Lily was about to ask her who she was, but before she could, the girl dropped the bag she was holding, beamed joyously, and threw her arms around Lily's neck. Again, Lily did not look like Lily. She looked like James. As she was _in his body_. Are we clear?

"Jamesie!" the mysterious and absolutely stunning girl cried lovingly. "I've missed you so much!"

**Can you believe it, another cliffy! ****Who is this mysterious beauty who has come to see James, and will she steal his heart from Lily? Speaking of James, will the Nancy Drew books infect him? Does Remus have a pension plan? Will Sirius unknowingly father STUPIDBITCH's child? Where **_**was**_** Peter going in the Great Hall? Who's going to win cycle eight of America's Next Top Model? I can barely wait to find out myself, so stay tuned!!!!!!!**


	5. Teh Plot TwistZ!

Disclaimer and Author's note: Any name you recognize in this parody belongs to J

**Disclaimer and Author's note: Any name you recognize in this **_**parody**_** belongs to J.K Rowling. I am not her, so it is safe to assume that she did not write this, and I am not claiming that she did. Or that she stole the idea for Harry Potter from me. That would be impossible, as I was only three years old at the time.**

_**I**__**n the last chapter…**__ Lily was about to ask her who she was, but before she could, the girl dropped the bag she was holding, beamed joyously, and threw her arms around Lily's neck. Again, Lily did not look like Lily. She looked like James. As she was _in his body_. Are we clear?_

"_Jamesie!" the mysterious and absolutely stunning girl cried lovingly. "I've missed you so much!"_

**Chapter five – Teh ****Plot Twist-Z!**

Lily gasped in horror, not because she had just remembered that hugging mysterious and amazingly beautiful girls can give you STDs, but rather because a mysterious and amazingly beautiful girl had just come to visit James. Probably to have sex with him, she thought, because as everyone in Hogwarts knew (maybe that was why there were so many STDs going around), James was a total stallion between the sheets. On account of his Quidditch toned penis and all.

"You!" she replied awkwardly, prising the girls arms from around her/James' neck. "I've… er… missed you too. I didn't know you were coming."

"Really? But I emailed you with the details _ages_ ago." She pointed over to James' bed, where lay his Blackberry and Apple Mac. "I thought you said this place had wireless?"

"Oh, it er… does," said Lily, feeling stupid. "The server's been down, though, and then I lost the network key. Durr! I'll just go and check now."

She opened James' Apple Mac and logged into his hotmail account, rolling her eyes to herself because James clearly wasn't aware of how much better Gmail was. It took her a few tries to get his password right, but eventually she realized that it was 'Lily'. Because James twu-luved her so very, very much.

And there she saw the email.

_Hey Jamesie!_

_Howz u? Jst lettin__ u no dat im cumin 2 c u in hgwrts 2moro bcoz itz bout time 4 anudr plot twst, dnt u tink?_

_Luv u loads nd loads!!_

_Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter__ xxxxx_

"Ah", said Lily, slapping a hand to her forehead. It hurt, because she forgot she was wearing glasses and accidentally slammed them into her face. "Now I remember. Raven!!"

"_Jamesie_," sang Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter xxxxx (oh yeah, those five xs were part of her _name_, because she's just that _awesome_), "Nobody's called me Raven since I was six! You know to call me Britney!"

The name Britney made no sense to Lily, given the girl's initials and the fact that she wasn't bald, but she reminded herself that she was not in possession of a properly functioning brain, and resolved to ask James about it later. For now, she was more intent on getting rid of this ho.

"I have a girlfriend!" she cried, her voice unnaturally high in spite of the bucketfuls of Quidditch toned testosterone that were floating around in James's manly body. There was so much that it all couldn't fit into his testes, so it just swam around like a Grindylow!

"Really, Jamesie?" said the girl, looking thoroughly unperturbed. "Well we'll see how long she lasts, hmm?" she winked and kissed Lily/James on the cheek. "Now where on earth are your lovely – Oh! Padsie-wadsie! Moonykins!"

"Brit-Brit!" said a voice from behind them. Lily turned to see Sirius Black and Remus Lupin standing in the doorway, gazing at the beautiful young woman with awe. So much awe, in fact, that Remus even lowered his book from in front of his eyes, cementing what Lily already suspected; that her own sensational looks couldn't touch this girl's splendor. Britney sashayed over to them and kissed them both full (and Frenchily) on the lips.

"How's my favourite werewolf?" she said, making a clawing motion towards Remus, who growled sexily at her. Lily dropped the books that had appeared into her arms in preparation for an occasion that requires the dropping of heavy objects to create a dramatic yet comedic moment (such as when you find out that somebody you know is a werewolf), and gasped loudly.

"You're a WEREWOLF?!"

Everyone stared incredulously at her, and Lily realized her mistake. James obviously already knew that Remus was a werewolf.

_Oh no! What will I do now?__!_

"Hey! Where did that italicized voice come from?" said Britney curiously, looking around for the source of the voice. Glad to have something to distract them, Lily started searching the dorm room with Remus, Sirius and Britney. Presently, they were interrupted by Peter Pettigrew, who came into the dorm holding a purple scarf.

"Who are you? You, you, you, it refers to a person, but also to a female sheep, if it's spelled with three completely different letters!" said Sirius, excited because Remus had allowed him to read his dictionary over his shoulder earlier that day. "Also, why do you have a purple scarf? Could it possibly become important to the plot later? Ooh yeah!"

"Purple, a dark colour that reflects very little light and is formed as a pigment by combining red and blue," said Remus, eyeing the scarf warily, because he thought it looked like it could be important to the plot later. "Also, who on earth are you, strange and chubby man-child?"

"I'm Peter. Peter Pettigrew. You know, Wormtail. Your friend, Peter!" Peter squeaked, waving the perhaps-important-to-the-plot-later purple scarf. "Don't you remember me? I sleep in that bed over there!"

"Ooh! A bed! People make babies and contract STDs in beds! I've never seen you before in my life!" Sirius started jumping up and down on a trampoline he conjured. The trampoline was purple, like the mysterious scarf, but this doesn't mean that the scarf is definitely going to be important to the plot later, it just _might_ be.

"Bed, a piece of furniture on which to sleep, usually consisting of a rectangular frame with a mattress on top. We are not brainless fools, Peter Pettigrew," Remus chipped in. "If you were our friend, we would recognize and speak to you like a brother. You are nothing but a disgusting, grimy liar and you smell like a homeless man. Now tell us what importance that purple scarf will have to the plot later and then leave Hogwarts forever, so that Sirius and I can indulge in trampoline sex without being interrupted. Saleratus pyjamas hexagon."

Peter burst into tears and left the room, dropping the scarf as he went. Everyone stared at the scarf in shock and began riffling through their scripts, wondering why the scarf had not been mentioned during rehearsals and if its sudden appearance meant that there was a plot twist in store.

"Palindrome, an early 17th century word which refers to a a word, phrase, passage, or number that reads the same forwards and backwards, for example 'Anna' or 'Navan'. From the Greek _palindromos_, which literally means 'running back again'," Remus, the wise and well-read, broke the awkward silence.

Sirius was so impressed by this expanse of knowledge that he fainted dead away. Everyone stared at him in shock, unable to think of anything to say, but then Britney voiced the question that had been on everybody's mind ever since the appearance of that darned scarf.

"What's a Navan?" she said.

_**Meanwhile, in the girl's dorm…**_

"Well I _like_ the iPhone but the battery life is ridiculously short-" said STUPIDBITCH, picking some lint from between her toenails. Even though STUPIDBITCH was perfect, the rules of this fic dictate that she is not allowed to be as perfect as Lily, who would never, _ever_ have lint between her toenails, so STUPIDBITCH must therefore have at least one flaw. It makes her more relateable, don't you think?

"Omg, totally! I only managed to get through half of _Blackout_ before it died on me!" said GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who, as we have already established, was nowhere near perfect because she didn't have a discount at Abercrombie. Only at Clarie's Accessories, but they don't sell designer labels. They do sell fantastic _Hannah Montana_ merchandise, though!

"Omgomgomg! _Blackout_ is soooo the best Britney album there is!"

From his hiding place beneath Lily's bed, James suppressed a snort of derision, as everybody knew that _In the Zone_ was Britney Spears' best studio album to date. He knew this because, even though _In the Zone_ was not released until 2003, by which time James and Lily had both been dead for twenty-two years, why should I have to care about things like historical accuracy? I can write what I want. So fuck you, dude. Fuck you.

All of a sudden, James remembered that his twin sister (actually, his twin-sister-from-another-father-because-his-parents-had-been-involved-in-a-rather-dubious-threesome-with-Voldemort-and-his-mother-had-somehow-been-impregnated-by-both-men-at-the-same-time-because-they-are-magic-and-I-don't-need-to-think-of-a-proper-explanation) Britney, short for Raven Sunshine Marissa Summer Julie Kirsten Angelina Jolie London Giselle Heidi High School Musical Malfoy Weasley Riddle Potter xxxxx, was coming to visit him that very day, and that she would probably be going straight to his dorm, where Lily was! He remembered this because Britney shared her name with the artist Britney Spears, whose album STUPIDBITCH and GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT had just been discussing. James was very smart, you see, and was therefore able to make connections in his brain like that. You know you wish you could do that too, but you can't, because you're not Plank!James, you're just a regular human being, with no Quidditch-toned earlobes. Hahaha.

Anyway, that's beside the point. Britney was one of the most beautiful girls around (although nowhere near as beautiful as Lily), and he could only gasp in horror at the thought of what Lily might think if she saw this stunning senorita and deduced that James was carrying on with her behind her back. James was desperately trying to prove to Lily that he was no longer a man-whore, and he was doing a pretty good job of it so far. He had only made out with one other girl besides Lily today, and that was only because GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT had happened upon him in Lily's form and suggested some girl-on-girl experimentation. However, they had heard STUPIDBITCH approaching and James was made to hide under the bed to avoid being caught. Everyone knew that STUPIDBITCH went crazy if she saw anyone else making out with GOSHAGYOURSELFSLUT, who was her bitch and her bitch alone. But that was irrelevant. What really mattered to James was that even now, Lily could be getting the wrong ideas about his twin sister and that would mean that he would never again have the chance to make sweet, sweet love to her in the Prefects bathroom!

James winced unhappily. He only hoped that Lily wouldn't jump to the wrong conclusion!

**I bet you thought that another cliffy wasn't possible, but you were wrong!**** What is this mysterious Navan? Where did Peter run to? Will Sirius ever wake up? Which Britney album did you like best? And what on earth is up with that purple scarf? Could it be important to the plot later?! Stay tuned to find out!**


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